The Pragmatician

BATTLE FOR THE HAPPIEST


Pesach several years ago, beautiful hotel, in the middle of nowhere, only a few locals looking at us with a million questions but unable to communicate them, and nothing to do but eat and sleep.
I was bored a lot of the time, luckily for me however I got to know some nice people with whom I proclaimed I was going to stay in touch with, but never did.
One of the guests was a young man I knew that had recently gotten married.
As far as I knew he was an ok guy, not noted for anything special neither from a positive nor form a negative outlook.
He left his mark on the hotel and its guests however by something that was noticed by everyone present, he never let go off his wife, very literally.
Whenever they were together he touched her caressed her and held her hand.
Now assuming she wasn’t a Niddah, there’s absolutely no Halachic(Jewish Law) problem with this behavior as far as I know.
And therefore I’m not criticizing his conduct.
On the other hand this is generally not done among heimische (modern orthodox/orthodox) people.
It’s well known that intimate gestures between spouses, however small, are strongly encouraged, but only in private space.

You may agree with this or disagree, you may find it archaic and fundamentalist that’s not the point, the fact is that many (most?) modern orthodox couples will make efforts to behave modestly in public areas.

I was reminded of this story when a friend told me that at a Shevah Berachah(one of the 7 meals after a wedding) he had attended, he sat at a table with two or three couples that couldn’t stay off each other. His wife and himself have always made efforts to conduct themselves with dignity and modesty and consequently he felt a little embarrassed and uneasy at that table.
This led to a discussion about the issue, and he confided that what he had witnessed had made him self-conscious about his own marital situation.
They seemed so in love, so attached to one another, and while proud that he didn’t stoop to imitate them he was slightly jealous.

At this point I’d like to clarify that it is not the objective of this article to debate whether intimate and kind gestures are appropriate for frum people in public.

Rather I brought it up, because to reassure my friend and because I wonder whether there’s isn’t a particle of truth to it, I told him that while practically making out in public or not letting go off your spouse may seem like an indication of a perfect relationship, it could equally be the work of oscar-deserving actors.
After all, as I said, this is generally not done in heimische circles. Why do they try so hard? Who are they really trying to convince they are happy?
I know many couples that are very happy together yet you don’t see them holding hands on the street, you do however notice the gleam in their eyes and the genuine shared smiles passing between them. That is real!
At some point I was wondering that perhaps those who make such efforts to be noticed are really the ones that are insecure about their relationships.
They overdo it to show everyone that they’re happy, but it doesn’t emerge as naturally as it does from authentically happy couples.
So this is my question to you bloggers, considering you will attract attention, is acting this way a result of insecurity and a need to prove something? Or is just a natural consequence of deep affinity and love.